The Young & The Restless & The Old & The Senseless
by Jennifer James
Summary: L&O, soap style.


_Disclaimer: I made a whole lot of money off this and I didn't send Dick Wolf a dime._

_Written for Cirocco's Thursday100plus "Soaps" Challenge on LiveJournal._

Ana Cordova threw open the door and collided with the pot bellied detective whose posterior took up nearly every inch of space in front of Lt. Van Buren's desk.

"What's the meaning of this, Cordova?" Anita demanded.

Her thrusting bosoms hypnotized the lard ass blocking her way as she panted to catch her breath. One perfect tear slid down her flawless cheek as she struggled to form the words.

"Oh, Lieu," She whimpered. "It's… it's… it's Ed."

Anita's heart filled with dread as she bolted from her chair, partly because she'd just stepped out of her key light and partly because she knew Cordova wouldn't come rushing in to deliver the news that Green had won the lottery.

"What is it?" She asked and eased closer to the window so the light could hit her luminous, caramel colored face at just the right angle to convey her genuine terror of the looming news.

"He's been in an accident." Ana cried, wringing her hands. Why hadn't she taken him up on his offer of dinner last week? Blasted shoe sale! There was no telling how badly Ed had been hurt. Of course there was always the possibility of dinner if he pulled through, but would he be able to get it up for dessert?

"Accident! When? Where?" Anita demanded. Overcome by the thought of never having dessert with Ed, Ana dissolved into tears and was unable to answer. Anita's renowned patience failed her and she all but leapt over the desk to shake the other woman by the shoulders. "Pull it together, Cordova!"

"It was a hit and run," Ana managed to squeak through the sobs that wracked her body. "He and Lennie were on their way back to the station and the car came out of nowhere."

"I must go to him!" Anita cried, shoving Ana aside. The young woman stumbled and fell into the waiting arms of the forgotten detective, who copped a feel before helping her to her feet.

As she raced through the squad room and out of the precinct, Anita valiantly fought to maintain her composure. Why, oh why, had she denied her true feelings for so long? And now… now it might be too late! No. No, she couldn't let herself think like that. She had to hold it together. For Ed.

"Hang on, Stuff! Mama's on the way."

_Later that day..._

"Ed?"

Ed felt a gentle caress on his thigh that was perilously close to his groin. Damn, he thought. That better not be Lennie's hand.

"Ed?" The voice called again, still soft but more insistent. "Can you hear me, Ed?"

His eyes fluttered open and Anita held her breath as he turned toward her. Ed squinted, trying to bring the face hovering over him into focus.

"Lieu?" He croaked.

"Darling!" Anita tearfully rejoiced and gathered Ed in her arms, pressing his face into her ample bosom. "You've come back to me."

Even in his drug induced haze Ed had the presence of mind to enjoy the tender embrace. "These are nice." He warbled feebly. "Ahem… I mean, this is nice. You have a healing touch."

Anita looked heavenward, wordlessly mouthing, "Thank you." The late afternoon sun filtered through the partially open mini blinds casting a soft golden hue on the extremely moving scene.

"What happened to me?" Ed asked. "Last thing I remember is walking down the street toward the house with Lennie. We were debating the merits of tofu burgers."

"You were the victim of a hit and run. They suspect it was deliberate." Anita abruptly released him and Ed winced as he flopped back against the bed. "You have my solemn vow that I won't rest until the maniac who perpetrated this egregious crime is brought to justice."

"Awww. That's so nice." Ed cooed. "Can I have another hug?"

"Oh, Eddie." Anita laughed bewitchingly and caressed his face. "You must rest now, darling. We have a whole lifetime ahead of us to embrace."

"Lieu?" Ed trembled, afraid to let himself believe she really meant what she said. "What… what are you saying?"

Anita parted her lips seductively. Even in her distressed state she'd had the foresight to apply another coat of Shameless Hussy lip gloss on the ride up in the elevator. "I'm saying that we don't have to fight our feelings anymore. I learned a very valuable lesson today, Ed. We have to live in the moment because we never know what tomorrow might bring. I don't want to look back years from now with regret."

"But… what about your husband?" Ed nervously implored. He had always thought Don Van Buren was a nice guy; a nice _big _guy who was very adept at using power tools.

"Don's a wonderful man." Anita sighed, perplexed. "He's been a good husband and father, but let's face facts. He's no spring chicken and I'm hitting my sexual peak. Braid my hair and call me Stella, baby, 'cause I'm trying to get my groove back!"

"This is so sudden." Ed held out his hand to her. "I always kinda felt like you were sweet on Lennie."

Anita shrugged. "I gave him a roll once, but… eh… let's just say you can't teach old dogs new tricks."

Ed shot upright, literally. "Daaaaaaamn, baby! You do tricks?"

Anita smiled benevolently as she gently pressed him back against his pillow. "Patience my young Padawan."

"Yeah, I guess I should give myself time to heal before we do anything too freaky." Ed agreed half heartedly. "Actually I don't feel too terribly bad for a guy that just got run over by a car."

"Hyundai."

"'Nough said."

Anita cleared her throat and spoke in hushed tones. "Of course you're familiar with the department's policy on fraternization. Discretion is key. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Ed nodded. "You mean we gotta keep it on the DL. That's cool." His eyes twinkled mischievously as he attempted to sit up. "I may be out of commission for a while, but how about a preview? Why don't you come on over here so a brother can see whatcha workin' with."

Anita sauntered back over and leaned across him to fiddle with the bed's controls. It squeaked, slowly raising him into a sitting position and Ed valiantly suffered through the discomfort thinking only of the prize that awaited him. Much to their chagrin the door flew open just as their wanton lips were about to meet in a big, wet juicy kiss. A uniformed officer rushed into the room with Lennie hot on his heels.

"Lt. Anita Van Buren?"

"Yes?" Anita attempted to make the indelicate position she'd assumed look somewhat dignified.

"I'm afraid you're gonna have to come with me."

"What?" Anita swung her leg over the side of the bed. "What's going on, Lennie?"

"I'm sorry, Lieu." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. "The sketch artist came up with this composite based on the descriptions we got from witnesses at the scene." Lennie handed her the picture. "The resemblance is uncanny."

"This is ridiculous!" Anita railed. "Thirty other officers can confirm that I was at the 27th precinct when this happened. And besides, what motive could I possibly have for wanting to harm Detective Green?"

"Actually, ma'am, no one was able to verify your whereabouts between 1:15 pm and 1:45 pm. Would you mind telling me where you were?"

"Well," Anita hedged. "That's… well, it's sort of personal."

"Are you refusing to answer, Lieutenant?"

"Come on, Lieu." Lennie pleaded. "Give us something to go on here."

"If you must know I was in the ladies room." Anita blurted.

The officer eyed her suspiciously. "For thirty minutes?"

"I had refried beans for lunch, okay?" She revealed, clearly embarrassed.

Lennie nodded knowingly. "Yep, that'll do it every time."

"A likely story." The officer pulled his handcuffs from his belt. "You're gonna have to come with me."

"C'mon, Wilson." Lennie blasted. "Is that really necessary?"

"Just following procedure." He said as he hooked Anita's hands behind her back.

"This is a mistake!" Anita protested. "You're making a terrible, terrible mistake!"

Ed reached out to Anita and struggled to push himself up from the bed. The strain was too much and he fell at their feet, his hospital gown flying open to reveal a firm, tight ass. "I'll wait for you!" He cried.

"I love you." Anita sobbed as the officer led her away. "Wait for me, Stuff!"

Lennie quickly helped Ed back into bed and promised, "I'm on it, Ed. You can count on me."

Ed nodded weakly as he collapsed against his pillow. "Go." He whispered. "She needs you." Before Lennie reached the door he added as an afterthought, "Hands above the waist when you're comforting her."

Lennie left the room and Ed closed his eyes. He felt his heart breaking.

"So close and yet so far." He lamented. "And she's got such a great rack, too."

Ed was just about to drift off when the door creaked and someone quietly entered the room. He felt extremely drowsy and it took a great effort to open his eyes. An oddly familiar figure stood watching him from the foot of the bed. Her face was covered with a surgical mask, but he knew those eyes. He'd know them anywhere.

"Anita." He choked back tears. "You came back. You came back!"

The woman laughed. "Yes, Ed. I came back." Her hands went up to remove the mask. "But I'm not Anita."

Ed's forehead crinkled in confusion. "Then who are you?"

"I'm her evil twin." She informed him. "My name is Denise."


End file.
